You've been doing this for so long that it shouldn't bother you anymore. The ugly a1c number...the high blood sugar that won't quit...the never ending assembly line of pump site changes and needles and trying to decipher why a certain blood sugar occurred...the why of it all...the why.....sigh...the why.
In the beginning of this life, the why meant something different to me. Why did my kid have to get this? Why did this happen to her? And now....nearly 7 years later, the why is usually more of a WHY the hell did this stupid blood sugar number happen? Where did I go wrong? Did I count carbs incorrectly? Was it the rainy weather? A growth spurt? Hormones? Why? Why dammit? I just wanna know why so I can change it so it doesn't happen again!
Sometimes life seems to be a vicious cycle of why's....interspersed with making dinner and driving her to gymnastics lessons.
I'm sure I'm just having a pity party tonight...table for one! Amy, your table is ready! Nonetheless, here I am pissed off at the fact that hot tears are slowly leaking from my eyes. I'm pissed off that I feel like I failed at being her pancreas the past couple months. I'm pissed off at the ugly a1c this time. I'm pissed off that I'm letting the number get to me this time. I'm pissed off at hormones and growth spurts and the fact that pancreating an 11 yr old girl is SO hard. I'm pissed off that I feel like people don't care anymore. I feel like they expect me to always make jokes and be funny and laugh it all off. When in reality, all I needed today was for someone to hug me and say hey....you did good kid...I see you trying and it's totally ok to be pissed off for a minute.
Just because I'm not new to this game, doesn't mean that I don't ever need a moment to be pissed. It doesn't mean I don't need a hug. It doesn't mean I don't need a friend to be there for a second.
Just because I'm not new, doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt once in a while.
Well, now that I got that out....I think I'll take my seat at the pity party and browse the appetizer selection....and maybe even the wine list...because, ya know.....wine not, right?